i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
