my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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