I cannot find my penis.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
