Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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