Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize