I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
