He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
