upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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