That's when you crack a 10am beer
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
