My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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