I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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