I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
