Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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