I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
