I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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