Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
