I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize