i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Randomize
