I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
