If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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