I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
