I just pynch a tree in the face
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
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