Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
