I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
