I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
