I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
