Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
