please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
