good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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