seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Im part way to drunk.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
