I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm always down for nudity.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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