A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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