Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
