if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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