you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
