I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
