worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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