I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
