Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
