Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize