I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
