puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
