Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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