but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
