i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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