As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
