just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
