Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize