I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
