I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
What drink are we having for lunch?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
