I faked an abortion last night.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
