the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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