I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
