God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
