my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
two words...techno handjob
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
