Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize