Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
