3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize